ON THE RESIGNATION OF GARETH SOUTHGATE
Summer 2024 – Southgate resigns as England manager. The FA announce Ruddy St Claire as an interim. Ruddy’s previous appointments include a four month spell as physio for Enfield Town and the coveted ‘Bronze Glove’ as goalkeeper with Melbourne Outbackers Under-12s. An astonishing 9-0 victory in his opening game is followed by a series of forgettable 0-0 draws where England fail to register a single shot on target or even leave their own half. The FA thank St Claire for his ‘caution over flamboyance’ approach as they seek to find a permanent replacement.
Winter 2024 – Klaus von Hinderspruckle is appointed as the new England manager. The 84 year old ‘Swiss wizard’ brings stability and experience to the camp but his insistence on high altitude Alpine training misfires after Foden falls into an ice ravine and Pickford goes missing in a blizzard. England fail to qualify for the 2026 World Cup and Hinderspruckle is sacked after making a seires of problematic comments about nougart.
Autumn 2026 – The FA unveil Juan-Garcia Peros di Sanchez ‘the Pep of the South’ a 22 year old sportswear salesman from Gibraltar. The emphasis is on youth but in a controversial move he introduces a ‘fourth lion’ to the shirt. Several MPs resign in protest and a man from Rainham loses his mind on a viral social media post. The change is generally met with indifference as the nation loses interest in football when a croquet craze sweeps the country – a game we might actually be quite good at. England fail to make it beyond the group stage of Euro 2028 and Peros di Sanchez resigns after wearing a kilt on the touchline for his final game.
Summer 2028 – Pressure mounts to find an English manager and eyebrows are raised when Baroness Brunswick of Cumbria is appointed. 63rd in line to the throne she is regarded by many as being “as English as they come” and her promise to return ‘good manners’ to the game is welcomed by the FA but questioned by the press. When asked what this new approach might involve Brunswick answers, “Not falling over and rolling around as much as the foreigners do.” The style of play under Brunswick is graceful, fluid and attractive – off the ball. On the ball it proves to be a different matter with games beginning to resemble modern dressage. The high press is replaced with what comes to be known as ‘The Brunswick Prance’ but the Baroness is forced to resign when footage emerges of her being teargassed by Swedish police after inciting a riot before a ‘friendly’ in Malmo.
England are banned from the 2030 World Cup and Prime minister Farage has them withdraw from Euro 2032.
Winter 2032 – Fin Ferguson-Bergerson ‘the Pep of the North’ a former Icelandic trawler-man is seen as a tough and rugged, back to basics coach. His infamous ‘herringbone’ system where the squad set up in a 2-2-2-2-2 formation is regarded as tactically naive. He answers critics, stripped to the waist in his first press conference announcing “We go fast, yes, quickly down the middle” Surprisingly the ‘herringbone’ is a great success and England qualify for the 2034 World Cup with ease. However Fin’s ritualistic preparation for games involving feasting on seal meat, drinking seaweed schnapps and “getting naked together, yes” doesn’t go down well in the Saudi capital where the England squad are based. Fin is publicly flogged at halftime during the competition’s opening match and the entire England team are locked up for the remainder of the tournament.
2048 – G-GateSouth – an AI driven cyborg leads The Atlantic Republic State of England to victory in the Pizza Hut Universe Trophy. Football finally comes home although nobody knows where home is anymore.
JAN NOBLE 