ON THE SOUNDING OF THE ALARM – A GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING
When the alarm sounds birds will drop out of the sky and rivers will brim with a million dead fish.
When the alarm sounds the lawns of England will wilt, in a shimmering wave grass blades will curl to a burnt yellow-brown-yellow.
When the alarm sounds your balls will shrivel to the size of raisins or swell like fat fisted fruit, your ovaries will glow like hot diodes and your hair will come away in clumps.
When the alarm sounds you will feel a quick twitching in your limbs, a sudden slackness in your hands, when the alarm sounds you will lose the ability to grasp even basic tenements, you will no longer be able to hold a phone or a lover, clutch a bible or pull a trigger.
When the alarm sounds you may experience dizziness, nausea, spasms, headaches or an unprecedented serenity, an almost rhapsodic happiness, a giddy bliss or a desperate, thumping emptiness echoing in your dry and calcifying heart.
When the alarm sounds the ringing in your ears may continue for days or even years.
When the alarm sounds your soul will exit your body from its most overused orifice and stand before you like an iridescent phantogasm. When the alarm sounds you will know whether you have been saved or if you are chosen, whether you are enlightened or eternally cursed.
When the alarm sounds the word ‘no’ will vanish from the dictionary and a dull chorus of ‘yes’ will be heard in streets and squares across this land.
When the alarm sounds only dust will sputter from shuddering faucets.
When the alarm sounds make your way to the nearest exit, form an orderly queue, make provision for the safe burial of your pets.
When the alarm sounds head to the nearest open space, gather in densely wooded areas, stand alone on a hill and repeat these words until a policeman or member of a civil defence regiment (who will identify themselves to you) tells you otherwise.
When the alarm sounds begin immediately to organise yourselves into local volunteer groups, bring placards, posters banners and warm clothing. Then wait diligently for the next time the alarm sounds.
When the alarm sounds
ready yourself for ecstasy.
When the alarm sounds
prepare for disappointment.
When the alarm sounds
start dancing.
JAN NOBLE 